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Name: Zaphriel Michaels
Location: Reno, Nevada, USA
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Thursday, December 29, 2005

Random Funnies

"Beer Festival"

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

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Random Funnies

"10 Pints of Guinness"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could
do it first."

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Useless Knowledge

More than 80% of the rum consumed in the U.S. comes from Puerto Rico.

Vodka accounts for more than one out of every four bottles of distilled spirits consumed in the U.S.

Tequila is not made from cactus, but from agave; the best tequilas are 100% blue agave.

Gin or Jenievre

Gin is a distilled spirit deriving its primary flavor from juniper berries. Every gin producer has its own proprietary recipe of additional botanicals and other flavoring agents, which gives each gin brand its own distinctive flavor profile.


Scotch whisky is a distinctive product of Scotland, manufactured in Scotland in compliance with the laws of Great Britain regulating the manufacturing of Scotch whisky for consumption in Great Britain and containing no distilled spirits less than three years old.

Very Special

Brandy is usually distilled from wine. In the brandy lexicon, the letter O means Old; S means Superior; V means Very; P means Pale; and X means Extra (VSOP= Very Special
Old Pale).

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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Random Funnies

These funny, you laugh long time!


Virginity like bubble ; one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs!

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Now tell 10 people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people laughing

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Random Funnies


A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back
from Medicare!"

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Random Funnies

"Vising NY"

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the
Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied.

"Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Random Funnies

"Answered Prayer"

One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamp post.

Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."

"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want."

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Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Fun - Part 4

"Best Christmas Rum Cake Ever"

1 or 2 quarts of Rum 1 cup dried fruit
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar baking powder
2 large eggs lemon juice
nuts brown sugar

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it?

Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again.
It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass, and drink it as fast as you can.


With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets truck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity.

Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 spablesoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.

Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

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Christmas Fun - Part 3

"Christmas Toy"

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his

The toy arrived in 189 pieces.

The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

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Christmas Fun - Part 2

"The Little Girl and a Horse"

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, I'll tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!!!"

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Christmas Fun - Part 1

"How Long"

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's
a shaggin' long time between New Year and Christmas!"

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Ipso Facto Comic


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