Zaphriel Media

Video - Why I Don't Work Out

2006-02-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

Audio - Don't Mess With Gramma

2006-02-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

Man, you never know what those old ladies are gonna do.

Video - I Love Paris

2006-02-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Truth In Advertizing...

Video - Military Humor

2006-02-13T13:29:00.000-08:00

What happens when a prank goes good.

Odd Pictures - Crammed Like...

2006-02-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

Sardines...

Sometimes it just feels that way.

Random Funnies - You Can Be The Man Of Your House

2006-02-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have all the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."

Video - Military Motivation 1

2006-02-12T13:31:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - First Flight

2006-02-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

Somehow I think we would still be using the shuttle...

Video - Cats

2006-02-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - Laural and Hillary

2006-02-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

I don't know wether to laugh or cry...

I feel sorry for Laural... or is it Hardy?

Video - Life as an Action Movie

2006-02-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

Random Funnies - Last Laugh

2006-02-07T13:13:00.000-08:00

Tom called his kids together, held up a toy and said that the one who never talked back to mother and did everything she said would be the one to get the toy.

Three small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you can have it."

Video - Old People

2006-02-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - Optical Shuttle

2006-02-07T10:06:00.000-08:00

Thant's Just Cool...

Video - Go Daddy Super Ad

2006-02-05T23:20:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - The Big Dog

2006-02-05T21:57:00.000-08:00

I've always been told I was the Big Dog...

They were wrong.

Nice Doggie.

Random Funnies - 100%

2006-02-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

"Polar Bear's Problem"

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son,
"Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

Random Funnies - New Employees

2006-02-04T13:29:00.000-08:00

How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department:

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with
only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems
is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforest, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

If they are sleeping, they are Senior Management material.

Odd Pictures - Ouch

2006-02-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

This is not going to end well...

Video - Grouchy's First

2006-02-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

Taliban Bodies...

Random Funnies - About Tools

2006-02-03T11:20:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny grabbed some cookies cooling
on the kitchen counter and his mother smacked
his hand.

"OW! What did you do that for?" he said.

"Your hand was doing something it wasn't suppose to and it needed to be punished. Now go see what your father is doing."

Little Johnny ran to the garage just as his father accidentally dropped his hot glue gun on his hand. His father cursed in pain and batted the tool away from his hand.

Little Johnny ran back to his mother and said, "Mom! Dad's smacking his tool in the garage. I think his tool needed to be punished, too."

Random Funnies - The Book of Why

2006-02-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Video - Nerd 900

2006-02-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - Abbey Road

2006-02-03T09:55:00.000-08:00

A whole new take on Abbey Road.

Random Funnies - The Three Bears - Updated

2006-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

This should end all the three bears stories . . . . .

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his
small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For the Lord's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

"It was Momma Bear who got up first. It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Momma Bear who made the coffee. It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Momma Bear who set
the damn table. It was Momma Bear who put the darn cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dishes. And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good. Because I'm only going to say this one more time:

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLOODY PORRIDGE YET!!!!"

Video - Hot Sex

2006-02-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

Odd Pictures - Very Harey Situation

2006-02-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Video - Blondestar

2006-02-01T23:57:00.000-08:00

Random Funnies - Drink Choices

2006-02-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

"Drink Choices - Men"

IF MEN DRINK - As always, very simple and clear cut.

Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get l*id.

Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor/student and wants to get la*d.

Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get la*d.

Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get la*d.

Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get la*d.

Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get la*d one way or another.

Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him class and help him get la*d.

Vodka or Brandy : Extremely h*rny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get la*d.

Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get la*d.

Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting la*d.

Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting la*d.

Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting la*d.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly!)

"Drink Choices - Women"

What's your drinking personality?! This is a lot more accurate than horoscopes.

So what type of drinker are you? Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results: IF WOMEN DRINK:

Drink : Beer. Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth. Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella. Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the butt. Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 liter cask) Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue. Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...
and you're in.

Drink : Baileys. Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart. Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.). Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk... and naked. Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

Odd Pictures - Out of Time

2006-02-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

Wrong Place... Wrong Time...

Video - Hero - the first

2006-02-01T05:46:00.000-08:00

Need Money?

2006-01-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

This post is a sticky, it will remain on top for a while... new content appears below.

Get Paid

By Zaphriel

Zaphriel Needs a New Image

Background:
Zaphriel is as a lead character in a series of web based graphic novels that are currently being developed called "Zaphriel and the Fallen". He is a fallen angel, striving to be in God’s favor once again. Formerly being God’s primary spy during the first astral war, Zaphriel was endowed with great psionic powers (telepathy, telekinesis, psionic illusions, and mind blasts) and the ability to appear as a demon. Seen by many astrals as a menace, he lives in the shadows, and uses them to his advantage. Almost never seen by humans, often he is only perceived as a shift of light, a figment of your imagination.

How to get Paid: Each entry must have a rendition of the Zaphriel in a new and innovative way. (more)

Odd Pictures - Huge Bride

2006-01-31T22:08:00.000-08:00

Piece of advice buddy...

Never, I MEAN NEVER, piss her off...

Video - Real Air Force

2006-01-31T13:39:00.000-08:00

Random Funnies

2006-01-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

"Page"

During a holiday vacation in a Las Vegas, the wife of doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged.

"Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "The house does not make doctor calls!"

Video - Einstein

2006-01-30T23:22:00.000-08:00

Random Funnies

2006-01-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

"Arthur And Samuel"

Arthur took his college roommate, Samuel, home for Christmas, and after dinner, spoke to his father, "Dad, I need to tell you something. Samuel and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing."

Arthur's father practically exploded, his face turned red, and was literally speechless for ten minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied,

"Arthur, you CANNOT marry Samuel!!! For G~d's sake, Arthur... he's Jewish!"

Video - Figuring It Out

2006-01-30T09:51:00.000-08:00

One would think, before stepping in front of a Camera, you might want to figure it out first...
Just a thought.

Odd Pictures - Air Cavalry

2006-01-29T21:53:00.000-08:00

Oh how this would have changed things

I Got Nominated

2006-01-29T19:26:00.000-08:00

NOMINATED

For the Life of me I don't know how... ;-P

This one has a very short time table.

Announcing:
The Best So Far, Blog Awards, January 2006
(Note: All correspondence via email to BestSoFar@RightThinking.net )
Super Short Timetable
1. Nominations via email being accepted through Wed, February 1st.
2. Voting via email will take place February 1st through February 5th.
3. Winners announced (and all links posted) Sunday, February 5th.

Only 5 Categories
1. January's Best Pet Blogs
2. January's Best Political Blogs
3. January's Best LinkFest Blogs
4. January's Best Religious Blogs
5. January's Best Humor Blogs

3 Simple Rules
1. Send an email to BestSoFar@RightThinking.net with up to 5 nominations in each category (you may nominate yourself or others in more than one applicable category).
2. Post this announcement and/or link to this entry ( permalink ) on your blog and spread the word quickly (remember, nominations close Wed, Feb 1st).
3. Finalists will be notified on Wed, Feb 1st and listed here. You can then solicit votes at your own blog and have fans vote for their favorite blog in each category via email at BestSoFar@RightThinking.net by Sun, Feb 5th.

Additional Thoughts
1. All nominations will receive link recognition.
2. Winners will get special recognition (I just haven't thought of it yet).
3. Probably mid-stream adjustments. Comments and suggestions welcome.

Here's to the Best So Far!
From Bloggin' Outloud

Random Funnies

2006-01-29T13:35:00.000-08:00

"Apples"

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men
don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave
enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

"Fine Wine"

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's women's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which
you'd like to have dinner with."

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the
mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."

Random Funnies

2006-01-23T13:40:00.000-08:00

"Insane Questions"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip’s screwdriver?

If a pig loses it’s voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invest all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?

If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific
mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

“I am.” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do.” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have
to touch it to be sure?

Random Funnies

2006-01-21T13:43:00.000-08:00

"Disgrace"

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Random Funnies - The Dentist

2006-01-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they made love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego and smug smile he says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing"

My Live Web Cam

2006-01-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

Yep that's me, looking at you...

Have a great day!

Random Funnies

2006-01-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

"Pig's Toes"

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

"Cat Food"

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband!
He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and
a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his butt."

Random Funnies

2006-01-07T13:19:00.000-08:00

"Snow Diary"
...excerpts from the diary of a man who had recently moved back to the snow belt after years in Florida...

Dec. 8 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture
window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Dec. 9 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec. 10 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Dec. 11 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 for a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Dec. 12 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.

Dec. 13 2 degrees outside. More darn snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater, which tipped over and damned near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Dec. 14 The %&#@ white stuff keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the %#@%& mailbox. If I ever catch the SOB that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Dec. 15 6 ^%#@ more @%#& inches of ^@#^$@ snow and &#@# sleet and #^%@#& ice and who
knows what other kind of white stuff fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill factor is -22 @#%@ degrees. Screw this stuff! I'm moving back to Florida.

Random Funnies

2006-01-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Random Funnies

2006-01-06T10:19:00.000-08:00

Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Random Funnies

2006-01-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine" So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Random Funnies

2006-01-05T13:24:00.000-08:00

"Advertisement"

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.

"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."

"You don't say," said the spinster, "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

Random Funnies

2006-01-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

"Migraines"

A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, the headache is gone. Try it and come back in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"It worked!" he exclaims. "I've had migraines for years, and no one’s ever helped me before!"

"Glad to help," says the doctor.

"By the way," the patient adds, "you have a really nice house."

Random Funnies

2005-12-29T01:31:00.000-08:00

"Beer Festival"

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Random Funnies

2005-12-29T01:28:00.000-08:00

"10 Pints of Guinness"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could
do it first."

Useless Knowledge

2005-12-29T00:33:00.000-08:00

More than 80% of the rum consumed in the U.S. comes from Puerto Rico.
________________________

Vodka accounts for more than one out of every four bottles of distilled spirits consumed in the U.S.
________________________

Tequila is not made from cactus, but from agave; the best tequilas are 100% blue agave.
________________________

Gin or Jenievre

Gin is a distilled spirit deriving its primary flavor from juniper berries. Every gin producer has its own proprietary recipe of additional botanicals and other flavoring agents, which gives each gin brand its own distinctive flavor profile.
________________________

Scotch

Scotch whisky is a distinctive product of Scotland, manufactured in Scotland in compliance with the laws of Great Britain regulating the manufacturing of Scotch whisky for consumption in Great Britain and containing no distilled spirits less than three years old.
________________________

Very Special

Brandy is usually distilled from wine. In the brandy lexicon, the letter O means Old; S means Superior; V means Very; P means Pale; and X means Extra (VSOP= Very Special
Old Pale).

Random Funnies

2005-12-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

These funny, you laugh long time!

CHINESE PROVERBS
________________

Virginity like bubble ; one prick, all gone.
________________

Man who run in front of car get tired.
________________

Man who run behind car get exhausted.
________________

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
________________

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
________________

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going toBangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
________________

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
________________

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
________________

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
________________

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
________________

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
________________

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
________________

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
________________

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
________________

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
________________

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
________________

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
________________

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs!
________________

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
________________

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
________________

Now tell 10 people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people laughing

Random Funnies

2005-12-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

"Therapy"

A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back
from Medicare!"

Random Funnies

2005-12-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

"Vising NY"

A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess was determined to make the
Midwesterner feel cheap and unimportant.

"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the East we think breeding is everything."

"Oh, I don't know," the lady from the Midwest replied.

"Out where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

Random Funnies

2005-12-27T13:06:00.000-08:00

"Answered Prayer"

One night after his evening service, a priest decided to take a walk. A wrong turn led him into the red light district. On the first corner, he saw a hooker dressed in a halter and hot pants leaning against a lamp post.

Seeing the fallen woman, the priest went up and said, "My dear, I have spent my nights praying for you."

"No need to do that, Father," the hooker said. "I'm here every night. You can have me any time you want."

Christmas Fun - Part 4

2005-12-25T13:04:00.001-08:00

"Best Christmas Rum Cake Ever"

1 or 2 quarts of Rum 1 cup dried fruit
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar baking powder
2 large eggs lemon juice
nuts brown sugar

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good isn't it?

Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again.
It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass, and drink it as fast as you can.

Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets truck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity.

Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 spablesoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.

Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

Christmas Fun - Part 3

2005-12-25T13:04:00.000-08:00

"Christmas Toy"

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a Christmas present for his
granddaughter.

The toy arrived in 189 pieces.

The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.
However, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

Christmas Fun - Part 2

2005-12-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

"The Little Girl and a Horse"

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year, I'll tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!!!"

Christmas Fun - Part 1

2005-12-25T13:01:00.000-08:00

"How Long"

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?"

The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's
a shaggin' long time between New Year and Christmas!"

Zaphriel - The Regret - Part 2

2005-12-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

read part 1 here.
____________

They were together now, talking in hushed tones. I don't want to get too close, I might miss something, but all I am getting from here are flashes and whispers like pollen carried on the wind, wisping every now and again in my direction. They are very excited, near bursting trying to contain it. All I can feel are flashes. Very confusing, humans sometimes are hard to understand.

Are we ready? ... When is the feast? ... Be patient. ... Father will be pleased. ... Glory will be ours ...

Those were their words but their thoughts were completely different. A mix of grand illusions, fire, despair, regret, fear. I could see pictures not of the loved ones they spoke of but of Leader figures. Men with guns. And ...

What I've been looking for, I caught a flash of a devise, a picture of one of them pressing a button – Fuzzy, like what you call a dream – not nearly as vivid, but an item of great importance. I have to concentrate now… it was the young one, the one they call Boukra but who calls himself Damis, or, as he likes to be called here, Damian. They have all taken different names here.

I must follow him. - He is now my target. Damian, I believe, is the key.

What is that? - A familiar sense. - Who else is watching? - Wann! I can feel him. That ugly shadow demon, why is he here? Who sent him, he's not smart enough to work alone. Thank the maker for making me insensible to those of the dark realm. He'll never know I am here. I will find out why he was here later, for now I must follow Damian.

More Classic Works

2005-12-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

The Interlude - Heroes In Classic Works

2005-12-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

Just something to tide you over as I continue to create the first chaper in the Zaphriel Chronicles. Hope you like the new site...

Here's something to ponder. Superheroes in classic art and literature.

Zaphriel - The Regret - Part 1

2005-12-20T07:43:00.000-08:00

I watch as they gather.

Everyday.

Always in a different place.

I get the feeling they are trying not to attract too much attention.

I find them gathering, always at the same time every night. There’s only there of them today, but it is hard to figure out what they are up to. I have my suspicions, but all I can feel are their flashes of rage, their broken memories, and their fragmented thoughts.

Desperation…

I have been watching them for a while now, maybe a few months. It’s hard to tell, I never have been very good with time.

At first I barely noticed them. I was on my normal watch, overlooking this vast city they call the city of angels, when I first felt them. It was a normal night in this conversely named city, the usual passion, anger, frustration and despair were coursing through her like the life blood of a chaos demon. Then I felt it, a flash of rage and hatred. Oh I know there is plenty of that here in this dingy mass of humanity, but this…this was different. It was strangely familiar and eerily disturbing. The hatred had a deep seeded taste to it and the rage was manic. New and intense, but with little reasoning behind it, only an unnatural calling. I hadn’t felt this type of feeling since Dublin, over fifty years ago. This was the first time I had felt this here, so I sought out the source, and I eventually found these three.

They were unassuming, non-descript, they blended well into the crowd. Were I a mere mortal, I very well may have missed them. I may not have given them a second glance. If it weren’t for their rage I may not have noticed. I might have failed again.

How did I not see it coming? How did I not feel it? How long has it been now? A few years? When those buildings fell to the flames...Surely the work of Hela herself, or her twins, chaos demons are like that... The shockwave, however, was enormous, emotionally and physically, It escaped no one’s notice. I should have seen it coming even from here. It is one of my many regrets. Not noticing something that big is pretty unnerving for a watcher. Shameful... I can never let it happen again.

The E-Mails I Get - The New Rules

2005-12-20T07:05:00.000-08:00

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

The Evolution of Zaphriel (In Images)

2005-12-19T19:35:00.000-08:00

Get Paid By Zaphriel
see below

Zaphriel started as an Idea. I am a big comic book fan, and like most comic book fans sometimes I come up with my own superheroes. Then I started writing a blog about 9 months ago, and I wanted to use a name that was unique so I used my first characters name, Zaphriel, an angelic name meaning "God's Spy", and I worked from there. At first I came up with this logo.

And then I used Hero Maker to come up with this image.

And South Park Character Maker for this cartoonish image.

Later I contacted a few artists, and they came up with some creative versions themselves, but not all of them followed through... this one is still in progress...

And then Kathleen was the one that finally followed through with this one. She did such a great job... I look forward to her next rendering.

If you want to take a crack at it, please feel free, I will pay up to $50 on paypal to anyone who successfully renders Zaphriel in a new and unique way. Contact Me (Zaphriel at gmail dot com) for the Image parameters.

A Rebirth

2005-12-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

I am restarting my original concept.
This is Zaphriel.
Here I will bring youmy short stories, the occational artwork and cartoons, as well as some of my patented political commentary.

But mostly just short stories.

"A Dead Horse"

2005-12-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in safety management often I find that many try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the threshold of "dead" declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Develop an incentive awards program to encourage the dead horse to perform at acceptable levels.

Disclaimer:

This posting does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; this document is distribution copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute this posting and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the article or parts of it in commercial publications, or as part of any fee-based services or products; further redistribution’s only allowed unedited and in its entirety by electronic transfer (anonymous FTP, Gopher, WWW and mail servers), storage media, and printed copy as long as this notice is included and no monetary fee is charged; subject to change without notice; text is slightly enlarged to show detail; resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and coincidental; all models are over 18 years of age; dry clean only; do not bend, fold, or mutilate; anchovies or jalapenos added upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions are allowed; for a limited time only while supplies last; offer void where prohibited; is provided "as is" without any warranties expressed or implied; user assumes full liabilities; not liable for damages due to use or misuse; equal opportunity joke employer; no shoes, no shirt, no jokes; caveat emptor; read at your own risk; may contain material some readers find objectionable; parental advisory: explicit lyrics; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; ask us about our trade-in plan; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; action figures sold separately; jokes were packed full, contents may have settled during mailing; sanitized and sealed for your protection; do not use if safety seal is broken; do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment; safety goggles may be required during use; call before you dig; use only with proper ventilation; for external use only; if a swelling, redness, rash, or irritation develops, discontinue use; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; keep away from open flames; avoid inhaling fumes or contact with mucous membranes; contents under pressure, may explode if incinerated; smoking these may be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a good laugh; text is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the, no salt, MSG, preservatives, artificial color or flavor added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a someone who cares; are ribbed for your pleasure; slippery when wet; must be 18 to enter; possible penalties for early withdrawal; one size fits all; offer is valid only at participating Internet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; if defects are found, do not try to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; please remain seated until the we have come to a complete stop; objects in the mirror may be funnier than they appear; this disclaimer does not cover hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and other Acts of God, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, unauthorized repair, improper installation, misuse, typos, misspelled words, missing or altered signatures, and incidents owing to computer or disk failure, accidental file deletions, or milk coming out of your nose due to laughing while drinking; other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on.

Sacred Cow - Islam for Dhimmis

2005-12-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

A New Blogging Community - The Battle Born Bloggers

2005-07-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

I noticed one day while looking through the blogosphere, that I could not find any Nevada Blogger Communities. I looked far and wide, but alas, no Nevada Group. Maybe it's because of our population, but I think it's just because no-one has done it yet. So as usual, I did, and here it is.

The Battle Born Bloggers

If Your From Nevada, Live in Nevada, Or Just Plain Love Nevada, This community is just for you.

You Might Be a Redneck Jedi If:

2005-06-28T07:37:00.000-07:00

You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.

And last but not least You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.

Have you ever been described as...

2005-06-16T11:02:00.000-07:00

Sharp as a twinkie

His dipstick doesn't quite touch the oil

Has a mind like a rusted steel trap

(S)he's a perfect example of why siblings
should not breed

Painted with the blonde brush at birth

Cannot find his ass with both hands

If so you may be STUPID.

Some interesting origins.

2005-06-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

Peeping Tom

Meaning: Someone who looks in the windows of people's homes.

From the legend of Lady Godiva, who rode naked through the streets of Coventry in order to get her husband, Lord Leofric, to reduce taxes. She requested that the citizens stay inside and close their shutters while she rode. Everyone did "except the town tailor, Tom, who peeped throught the shutters."

***

Hooker

Meaning: A prostitute.

Although occasionally used before the Civil War, its widespread popularity can probably be traced to General Joseph Hooker, a Union soldier who was well-known for the liquor and whores in his camp. He was ultimately demoted and Washington prostitutes were jokingly referred to as "Hooker's Division."

Oh like...

2005-06-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

we didn't see this coming.

How come life is sooo predictable?

Irish Daughter

2005-06-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Now I have irish family, so morality aside, this one was funny to me...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million Euros. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Her Father says, "Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

I'm having a Contest...

2005-06-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

Attention all artist types.
Do you like comic art? Do you like new projects? most of all do you know how to draw? Well I Don't so I need your help.

I need a New Title Graphic and a few rendiations of Zaphriel, the character. I am not an artist, so drawing him up, for me, is quite the impossibility. But I do have examples of what he looks like, and you can go from there. If you want to enter the contest please e-mail me for details @ Zaphriel@gmail.com.
The first place winner will get A t-shirt with thier design on it, A Zaphriel and the Fallen Hat, $50 dollars as well as future opportunities/royalties working with the "Zaphriel and the Fallen" Comic book.

Go Here and Here for examples and descriptions.

And Here's a few samples of what he looks like...

So have fun with it and good luck.

Weird News Update...

2005-06-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

Can you say, Yuck, Eww, and Oww.

This guy is dedicated.

This criminal is stupid.

And Germans really party, allot. Especially during soccer season (must be something in the water).

Boy the news is weird today.

Travel Advice...

2005-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Napal anyone?
I hear it's dry there.

Oh Sweet Justice...

2005-06-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't get any better than this.

"Guilty Dog"

2005-06-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

christmas2004a 030
Originally uploaded by Zaphriel.

As an owner of an often guilty dog, I thought I would pass along this humorous story to you all.

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

What would you do?

2005-06-06T08:59:00.000-07:00

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the new corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new 100 cabin cruiser. He paid for our big summerhouse at the lake. He paid for our golf club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabdriver and said, “What would you do?"

The cabby said, “I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches a cold!"

Where did all the flowers go?...

2005-06-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

Are there any mysteries left?

Where are we going?

Is armageddon coming?

Or have we just become stupid?

You know I am tired of this stuff. Is nowhere safe?

Clarity...

2005-06-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Haven't we all felt like this?

A "Life and Career" coach met with a prospective client one morning and asked the client what he wanted to get out of their sessions.

"Clarity," the client said very firmly.

"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" the coach asked.

"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I'm not sure."

911 Calls

2005-06-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.

Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?

Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?!

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

Strange News Roundup

2005-06-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

Boy did this guy make an Astronomical Goof

What’s all the buzz about?

True love really can conquer all!

Advertisers keep getting more and more creative, but is that good?

Apparently, "Neither Rain, Sleet, Snow or Dark of Night" doesn’t include doorsteps.

Japanese Name Generator

2005-05-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

This is the strangest Blogthing I have come accross Yet.

Your Japanese Name Is...

Yuu Jimyoin

What's your Japanese Name?

I just watched Episode III

2005-05-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Then I took a test...

:: how jedi are you? ::

Site Redesign and Contest

2005-05-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

As you can see I have redesigned my blog. Looks nice right? But I want to make it look better. I need a New Title Graphic and a few rendiations of Zaphriel, the character. I am not an artist, so drawing him up, for me, is quite the impossibility. But I do have examples of what he looks like, and you can go from there. If you want to enter the contest please e-mail me for details @ Zaphriel@gmail.com.
The first place winner will get A t-shirt with thier design on it, A Zaphriel and the Fallen Hat, $50 dollars as well as future opportunities/royalties working with the "Zaphriel and the Fallen" Comic book.

Go Here and Here for examples and descriptions.

And Here's a few samples of what he looks like...

In Des Moines...

2005-05-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

They either really like butter,
or they really like golf.
MMMM, Tiger

A good reason...

2005-05-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

to pay attention in science class.

C9H13N - Now that's a vanity plate.

Speaking of vanity plates, mine are:
ICHBISS and BISSMIR,
anybody have a guess what they mean?

Oh, but he's...

2005-05-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

so cute and cuddly!
Poor guy, he's just misunderstood.

Oh Man!!!

2005-05-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

Now I'll have to sell Old Stinky.
It is a sad day indeed.

That's what you call...

2005-05-23T17:38:00.000-07:00

an addict.

When testers get creative...

2005-05-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes they get it wrong...
That's what happens when a non sports fan tries to write a question.

What is UCLA's Mascot Again?...

2005-05-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah...

What happens...

2005-05-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

when an over protective dad goes nuts?

Ooops!

2005-05-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

We made a mistake.